i have been thinking of you lately. wondering if i should reach out. bury my distaste, make an effort. if i owe you that. if you wonder about me and a simple letter might make you feel better. if it could ease any of your rumblings. if it would place another band aid on my heart. my mind.
and then i remembered that i am cold. that the last thing i want is for you to feel better about yourself. or your actions. that i don't owe you anything. you owe me. the world in fact. that what i would share with you, my biggest joys and loves, you don't deserve to know about. hear about. feel good about.
every day, every moment, i try to live my life openly - with optimism and realism. and so with that thought i know there is no good in reaching out to you. that at the end of a trying process i will feel worse, beaten up & broken. when realistically you and i are no longer, and will never be. for there is more then a river beneath our bridge. and our bridge, once magnificent and strong, has been broken in two - shattered - for years. just to look at it makes you winch with the anticipation of the slivers you would receive from touching it.
so i maintain my distance. banish the ideas that i may be entertaining. take a swig. and move on.
4 comments:
Love you mama. xoxo
Lu
Love you mama. xoxo
Lu
This post makes me sad. If you truly have nothing left to say to this person then you need to wash your hands of her and move on. But I feel like you keep coming back to it, meaning things still niggle at you, things unresolved.
Though this is not quite the same, I can say I learned the hard way, and sometimes if you carry this around, if you carry the weight and leave it unresolved, one day that person might be gone, and then it is too late to say what you wanted to, to resolve things. I am left with a burden of unknowns that cannot be answered or resolved and I am left to carry this around now for the rest of my life.
I say have lunch with her, show her what you have, don't let her get into your head and then just let her go, it might be uncomfortable but at least you might be able to use that space in your heart for something else afterward.
Sadly I am in no position for the "lunch" as we left that station years ago. Perhaps I should of done it, but now the notion of doing so makes my skin crawl.
Perhaps what we each need is the ultimate in purging. A release of it all and a clean state. Hanging on to whatever glimmer, slice, memory or feeling is clearly serving us no purpose.
Easier said then done though.
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