16.6

Transition. Development. Endings. Beginnings. Within their solo moments & group ensembles they each provide as many good things as bad. Each just as emotionally trying and difficult as the next. Each with a rewarding sunset at the end of it's long journey. As much as I want these things I fear them. When I find myself subconsciously sabotaging their growth I have to take a step back. I owe everyone involved at least that. As much as it pains me, as much as I wish to deny it. There is too much too lose in ignoring it - despite any personal gratification I may feel.

Mothering has forced me to deal with many situations, emotions & thought processes that I was not prepared for. That I had never experienced. Or ever wanted to. It, without any doubt, has changed my brain - how it thinks, feels, reacts. Some would describe me as a "straight shooter", a no bullshit kind of girl. I parent the same way as I live. I try to be very black and white in my parenting - teaching good from bad, no from yes. There are no grey areas. Definite lines are drawn in the sand and there will always be consequences for our actions. Lately I have found myself being a titch hypocritical. It is something that no one would notice but myself but it still wears at me a bit.

What I have realized is that these feelings have more to do with what I expected out of parenting or where I expected us to be. Versus the reality. What is different is how I am actually not bothered by where I am. I am excepting it for what it is.