Knowing the Difference

On that day I felt relatively calm. Calmer then usual. I felt unsure of why I felt this way. Perhaps it was the upper hand we had created for ourselves. The resistance we had delicately put down. I was finding the place where I could stay true to myself yet was not engaged in a constant battle. Remembering that it all meant nothing and that day was just a day I lost. 

Breathe. Laugh inside. Breathe.

I am learning the  steps to self calm. That the amount we put upon ourselves before, during and after events only makes the entire process harder.  It allows it to eat away at you. Get in and under your skin.
Once it gets in it is almost impossible to get rid of. I am living proof of years of it living beneath me. Of it being present and repressed. An underlying demon that controls me beyond my abilities. I wish that it had not been there, but now in retrospect,  understand that without it I would not be here now - understanding. In a place that is calm.

Being able to live in a place of no regrets is something I take seriously and to heart. Call it a guiding principal. I want to never feel that there is something different I could of done or should of done. If I died tomorrow I want to go down knowing that everyone in my life is aware of how I feel. About them. About living life. About feeling love.

So if some times I have to pretend to be someone different, I am okay with that. I know that at the end of it we will pull off our masks, look at each other and start to laugh. And laugh. And laugh.