at the end of these rainbows

my place of mind has not been as coherent as I would like. my rational thinking seems to have expired, almost like that bottle of salad dressing you keep in the fridge door a little too long.

i feel ridiculous for the way i have been behaving. the words i have been repeating. the lack of filter - the general decision to mutter words of brutal honesty. ones that generally should be for only those old enough to vote. in an election, not over sesame street or blues clues.

the saddening thing is that i know all of this. what i am now saying is not new but a replay of something i want to throw away. and i thought that i had gotten rid, found something new. but it always finds a way to creep back in, unnerving me, eating me alive, taking over my brain and decision making capabilities. reducing me to feeling sad, alone. disappointed in myself.

this morning is new. although the same ducks are outside my door, the same seagull is smashing stones, the same grey mist hangs in the air. even though it looks like every other day i have to believe that it is new and it is different. i have to know it.