She did not want to
feel as if she had given up everything for them. However her sacrifices
embedded her daily thoughts. She struggled with the decisions and
selfishly felt that they had not been her's to make. There were days
when she felt so far under water that it was easier to give up and dip
down then fight to take a breath for herself.
The relentless circle of doing anything for herself that spun with guilt, anger, confusion and sadness.
There were so many things in her life, in her daily world that brought her joy and hope. That reinforced the importance of what she was doing. That helped her level her thoughts, compartmentalize her struggles. She would never deny why what she does or chose was so important. It was the lack of gratification, of self satisfaction that weighed in. That increased the weight in her chest.
Husband had recently asked her if at the end of this road, 18 years from now, when she will have done all she could and had to release them if she would feel a sense of accomplishment. If she would feel amongst many emotions - proud. he easily answered that he believes he will feel that way. She could not answer honestly. A lump formed in her throat that forced the tears up, instead of in.
All she could do was quietly mutter, I hope so.
