"Despite everything I suppose I thought that you would come through or in the least be honest with me. It feels as though my place is to sit here, on the bench, and wait until you decide you can use me for your benefit. I had hoped that the issues that were holding you back, could be benched for the day. It feels again as if I have been crushed. And I feel ridiculous for it. I just wish you had been honest with me - rather then string me along to a disappointing finish.
What I have come to realize is that this is not unusual behavior for you. That this past year has had me feeling this way more times than not. It is a sad day when you realize that you cannot count on a relationship anymore. But perhaps also a good day for this realization is what you need.
I cannot change the person you are, this I understand. What I need to do is change how you fit into my life."
- a previous entry by sara, back for reexamination -
this morning I am wiser to the ways of what our world was. the memory of you, in that time, makes me try every day. try to treat those I love well, to help and support them without judging. to never have them feel the way you made me feel. the way you killed my breath. my hope in the simplest philosophy of friendship. of you believing in things that are bigger than you. and then, at the end of the day, the casualness you tried to press upon me and our fragile tie. it not only pulled on those shredding strings, but snapped them in an instant.
every week I can still remember that time. my life new and brimming with joy. you there - with a bucket of shit to throw down upon me. it leaves me angry now. something I should leave behind and move past. but something I hold onto - for I feel it gives me character today that I never had. not cautious traits but honest and open ones. so I suppose I should thank you for that.
happy anniversary to the death of us.
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